Empowering Your Verbal Defense – Learn to Respond instead of React – How often has someone said something to you that made you feel uncomfortable? And without knowing how to react, you did nothing? Or snapped back at them in anger? But later, you either came up with the perfect response, or you just felt “yuk”?
Most people think of self-defense as using a combination of intricate martial arts or combat moves on the person who jumps out of the bushes. Honestly, in all my decades of martial arts training, I’ve rarely used my physical martial arts in that type of scenario, but I use my verbal self-defense techniques every single day!
Verbal self-defense:
Our ability to speak out in a situation where the body’s adrenaline response would have us Fight, Fight, or Freeze. During a verbal onslaught or sneak attack (read: passive-aggressive), many of us end up freezing like a deer stuck in the headlights. We get surprised by a verbal attack or a conflict, and we DO nothing. Because we don’t know what to do! It seems silly to run away, and most of us aren’t comfortable fighting, so we’ve mastered the Freeze Response. Then we come away feeling bad about ourselves. And I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way; there are some very simple tools you can use whenever you need to. And there’s nothing wrong with Freezing, just don’t get stuck there!
The first key is in understanding your body’s responses as well as understanding your opponent. Know Thyself:
The Adrenaline Response: Our bodies were built for survival, and when we sensed real danger, we’d go into self-preservation mode, what was called “Fight or Flight,” or we’d Freeze to decide what to do next. When under a perceived dangerous threat or attack, your body releases adrenaline, which is meant for short-term survival but long-term can wreak havoc on your system.
Your heart rate jumps up, preparing you for vigorous activity (combat or escape), your breathing gets shallow (to allow you to sprint if you need to), your mouth gets dry, and your hands and feet get cold (blood starts flowing to the vital body parts in case of devastation), and your brain gets a sort of “tunnel vision” where all you can see/ feel/hear is the danger.
All of these things make higher-level skills like communication, thinking, and reasoning near impossible! When we were living in caves, adrenaline helped us to run fast or fight the tiger, not discuss the situation with the tiger to create a win-win. Unfortunately, our body doesn’t know the difference between an impending attack from a tiger and today’s verbal conflict from an adult bully!
Know Thy Enemy:
(Bullies and Power Takers): A bully is all about power. This is someone who gets energy from the pain of others. They do this by making fun of others or making them feel small, powerless, bad, scared, angry, or anxious, which makes the bully feel better. Bullies feel bad and want to feel better, so they berate, tease, or hurt someone to get what they want. In seeing the pain they cause another, or the reaction of fear, the bully feels more powerful. ”I made them afraid! I MUST be powerful!”
It makes them feel better about themselves in an unconscious, unhealthy way. This is often why we’ll feel so drained or negative after having been around a bully; they attempt (and succeed at times) to pull energy away from us.
I’ve seen an adult business owner require his employees to grovel when they’ve made a mistake in order to keep their jobs!
Bullies typically have low self-esteem, have been bullied themselves, and learn the abuse cycle for survival as a way to get what they want.
In my self-defense travels and classes, I’ve run across many bullies (both kids and adults) stuck in this cycle. Some adult bullies are sick and tired of this lifestyle and want to heal. The only way for a bully to heal is to deal with his/her low self-esteem, learn to love themselves and understand the dysfunctional dance they get themselves into.
So how do you stand up to a bully?
1. KNOW what you want/don’t want: The basis of good boundaries starts with simply being able to SAY what we want or what we don’t want. Knowledge is power. Know what makes you uncomfortable and SAY so. Tell someone to leave you alone or back off.
2. Respond vs. React: Take a breath! It’s our ability to RESPOND in a difficult situation instead of REACT to another’s actions that makes us feel truly powerful. We need to calm ourselves first. And arm yourself with a response ahead of time if you know a bully. Use humor. Deflect their negative energy. “Hey, is it Pick On Theresa Day? Cool it, okay?”
3. Shield yourself: When you know that you’re dealing with a bully, limit your interactions with that person. I teach kids to stay at least 2 arms’ length away. Create an invisible force field around your body, protecting yourself with space. Which can be emotional, physical, mental, or otherwise.
Eventually, bullies get tired of not getting what they want from you, and they’ll move on to someone else. Allow yourself the freedom to get out of any cycle that involves bullying by doing your own work – learn to see what’s happening and where you might get drawn in so you can start shifting how you show up. Please reach out if you’d like more support or get my free boundaries assessment here:
Connect with Theresa Byrne: https://theresabyrne.taplink.ws
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