The Conflict Within: When the Inner Parent Overpowers the Inner Child
IS YOUR INNER PARENT A NARCISSIST? The Conflict Within: When the Inner Parent Overpowers the Inner Child — Have you ever felt that your own thoughts are criticizing you? When you make a mistake, do you hear a voice in your head saying, “You should have seen that coming!” or “This is your fault!”? That voice comes from our Inner Parent—a part of our consciousness that forms during childhood under the influence of parents, caregivers, society, and even generational programming. Welcome to the first in a series of articles about narcissism, which will appear in upcoming issues of this magazine.
What Are the Inner Parent and Inner Child?
Each of us has two distinct aspects of the self, which can be understood as the Inner Parent and the Inner Child.
The Inner Parent is a set of beliefs, rules, and expectations we internalized from adults during childhood, as well as from generational heritage. Ideally, it should be supportive, caring, loving, and attentive to the needs of the Inner Child. However, it can also develop as strict, demanding, critical, rejecting, and unaccepting.
The Inner Child, on the other hand, is the emotional, spontaneous, and creative part of us. It delights in small things, dreams without limits, and experiences the joy of being authentic. Without the care of the Inner Parent, it struggles to maintain harmonious relationships with others and with life itself.
A healthy relationship between these two parts allows us to feel safe and authentic. However, when the Inner Parent takes control in a narcissistic manner, the inner dialogue becomes a battleground.
How Does a Narcissistic Parent Treat Their Child?
In psychology, two primary ways a narcissistic parent treats their children are commonly discussed. These parents create a destructive family hierarchy, assigning children roles as either the “golden child” or the “scapegoat,” both designed to keep the narcissistic parent at the center of attention.
• The Golden Child: Idealized and treated as an extension of the parent. Behind this apparent “love” lies manipulation; the golden child is praised and favored—only while meeting high expectations. They face immense pressure to be perfect and are denied authenticity or the freedom to make mistakes.
• The Scapegoat: Blamed for the family’s problems, the scapegoat bears the parent’s frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. Constant criticism and rejection leave them feeling unloved and unaccepted. In both roles, children struggle with low self-worth and a lack of authenticity and develop defensive mechanisms like perfectionism, retreating, or rebelling.
Where Does the Narcissistic Inner Parent Come From?
The Narcissistic Inner Parent develops in environments where love is conditional. Simply put, the way your parents treated you as a child now reflects how you treat yourself—that is, your Inner Child. Even if your outward behavior differs, when you honestly examine your inner world, you’ll often find that you’re perpetuating the same patterns within yourself.
How Does the Narcissistic Inner Parent Behave?
The Narcissistic Inner Parent manifests as a “voice” within you that is never satisfied and constantly undermines your worth. Nothing you do ever seems to please it. Check if you recognize this rejecting voice in yourself, which behaves in the following ways:
• Compares and idealizes: This voice sets unrealistic standards, making you believe others are better and you’ll never catch up. “Why can others do it, but you can’t?” or “Your colleague is more ambitious.” Such comparisons weaken your sense of self-worth.
• Diminishes and belittles: It constantly reminds you of your failures, making you feel inferior. “You always mess things up” or “You’re worthless.” These words lead you to see yourself as a second-class person.
• Lacks empathy: This voice ignores your emotions, claiming they are unimportant or exaggerated: “Stop being so sensitive.” As a result, you begin to suppress your feelings and doubt their value, eventually believing there is something wrong with you.
• Shame you: It condemns who you are and what you do: “How could you do that? What will people think?” This prevents you from wanting to engage with life.
• Blames you: This voice assigns responsibility for things that aren’t your fault: “It’s your fault he’s depressed.” You start believing you’re a bad person, undeserving of anything but punishment or self-denial.
• Distorts reality: It undermines your feelings: “Don’t exaggerate, you’re fine!” or “You’re too emotional!” This erodes your trust in yourself and causes you to doubt your perceptions and judgments. Eventually, you question your common sense and even wonder if you’re losing your mind.
• Idealizes the future and criticizes the present: It creates the illusion of a perfect future while belittling your current efforts: “When you succeed, then you’ll be worth something.” This results in burnout and a sense of meaninglessness.
• Isolates you from others: The voice suggests that others don’t like you or that you shouldn’t be yourself: “They don’t really like you.” This cuts you off from genuine relationships and strengthens the control of the Narcissistic Inner Parent, who wants to keep you to itself. Inside, you feel deeply lonely.
How to Become a Good Inner Parent?
Freeing your Inner Parent from controlling behavior requires a multifaceted approach. This often involves techniques to enhance self-connection and release trapped emotions and beliefs. Through this work, you will be able to:
• Recognize the tactics of the narcissistic Inner Parent: Pay attention to how you speak to yourself, how you perceive yourself, and how you treat yourself.
• Care for the Inner Child: Ask yourself what you truly need, and what is important to you, and honor those needs.
• Be kind to yourself Treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend or a beloved pet—with care, attention, and compassion.
• Accept yourself and embrace who you are: Being yourself will bring joy and a desire to express your uniqueness in the world. Self-love will naturally radiate outward as love for others.
• Be grounded in the present moment: The ability to experience what is happening now as a beautiful moment.
You may have had narcissistic individuals in your life. But have you ever considered whether your own Inner Parent treats you like one of them? If so, begin your journey to freedom within your inner home.
If you’d like to learn more about the relationship between the Inner Parent and the Inner Child, I invite you to explore my book, “You Are the Dream of the Universe.”
I invite you to explore these ideas further in my book, You Are the Dream of the Universe. Dive deeper into these concepts and gain a new understanding of who your true self is.
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