Lessons from Loss: Cherishing Connection and Family Legacy – Lessons learned from loss—lessons of valuing relationships, appreciating fleeting moments of connection, and honoring the enduring legacy of love that continues to shape my life.
It was a drizzly day, that last Wednesday afternoon of March 2022. We had an appointment for our COVID-19 vaccine—I don’t remember which dose. As we drove to the vaccination center, we passed a massive graveyard. A strange but vivid thought crossed my mind: “Dad would really enjoy a walk here.” My father has always cherished the solitude of the old graveyards in his hometown in Belgium. They are lush, foggy spaces with towering oak trees dotted with graves and memorial chapels hundreds of years old.
That thought of Dad stuck with me all afternoon. It brought back special memories of our times visiting the graves of family members who had passed on, especially on All Saints’ Day. These visits were a tradition, filled with reflection and a sense of connection to our heritage. The serenity and history of those Belgian graveyards always resonated deeply with my father, and seeing this massive graveyard made me nostalgic for those peaceful moments we shared.
Later that afternoon, the clouds had lifted, and the temperatures had risen a bit. We drove home with the convertible top down, even though it was still only about 40 degrees. Any excuse to drive under the open sky is good enough for us. Walking through our front door, we were in a pretty good mood.
After greeting our dog, I sat down at my desk, powered up my computer, and began checking my messages.
The first one hit me like a ton of bricks: “Dad has passed away.”
I had to read the message numerous times to have it sink in. I broke down crying.
Because of the time difference – Mom and Dad live in Europe – I had to wait until midnight to call home. When Mom picked up the phone, she let out a cry that, to this day, pains my heart. It was the most heart-wrenching sound I have ever heard.
As I went to bed, thoughts of driving by the graveyard and the timing of Dad’s passing filled my mind. Was this a coincidence?
Years ago, my family and I had a bit of a divorce. I moved away abruptly, and it took years for our relationship to heal. Over the past twenty-five-plus years since I left, I haven’t seen my parents in person.
About fifteen years ago, we began connecting via Skype. Our calls increased in frequency until we spoke almost every Sunday for an hour or more. We reconnected, and that felt incredibly fulfilling.
Earlier in the month of Dad’s passing, I made a resolution to open up to my parents even more. I wanted to create a space where they felt comfortable asking me anything they wanted or needed to know. Our relationship had evolved to a point where it felt natural and necessary to open up.
On the final Sunday of March 2022, I attempted to connect with them, looking forward to starting a conversation and inviting them in. Unfortunately, the call went unanswered. The last communication I had with my father was a brief email: “Missed you for our call, let’s chat next week.”
Later, I found out that Mom and Dad had spent that afternoon on their beloved horse property, one of their favorite places. The time had been magical for them, and they lost track of it, missing our call. I’m grateful that their afternoon was so meaningful. Little did we know, it would be their last Sunday together.
Mom asked for me to not come to the funeral. She found it too hard to briefly see me and then have me leave again. I honored that wish.
Now, about two-and-a-half years later, I still miss my Sunday conversations with Mom and Dad. I have gained calls with Mom a few times a week. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the stories she has shared and the love she still holds for my Dad.
Despite our strained relationship over time, whenever asked whom I admired, my answer was always resolute: “My parents.” I’ve never encountered a couple who exemplified such a profound love and respect for each other. I strive to emulate their example in my own marriage, though filling their shoes proves challenging. Their 57 years together weren’t without challenges, but the love they shared and the family they built defined their lives.
I can never go back and fix the past or have the conversation I wanted to have with both parents. This experience has taught me a lot. I don’t take life, family, friends, and health for granted anymore.
The biggest lessons for me in this experience are:
VALUE AND CHERISH RELATIONSHIPS
This experience taught me the importance of cherishing and nurturing relationships with loved ones, even when distance or past difficulties create challenges. Despite our strained history, reconnecting with my parents and maintaining regular communication became incredibly fulfilling.
APPRECIATE MOMENTS OF CONNECTIONS
The sudden loss of my father reminded me of life’s unpredictability and the importance of treasuring every opportunity for connection. Missing that final call highlighted the significance of making the most of each moment and ensuring meaningful conversations whenever possible.
REFLECTION OF LEGACY AND LOVE
Despite their challenges, reflecting on my parents’ enduring love and 57 years together has deeply influenced my values and aspirations. Their example of love and commitment continues to guide me in nurturing my own relationships and appreciating the legacy of family bonds.
I can never go back and fix the past or have the conversation I wanted to have with both parents. This experience has taught me a lot. I don’t take life, family, friends, and health for granted anymore. The biggest lessons for me in this journey are clear: cherishing and nurturing relationships with loved ones is paramount, no matter the obstacles we face; appreciating every moment of connection is vital, as life can change in an instant; and reflecting on the legacy of love my parents shared inspires me to honor their memory and strive for meaningful connections in my own life. Their example continues to guide me, reminding me of the profound impact of family bonds and the importance of living each day with love and gratitude.
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