Let Go Now: A March Guide to Forgiveness
“Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not using your right to hit back.” — Bishop Desmond Tutu
Bishop Desmond Tutu’s “Four Steps to Forgiving” has profoundly influenced how I navigate those who have hurt, disappointed, angered, or betrayed me. I do a process inspired by his work. It goes as follows:
One, speak your hurt until there is no more to be said.
Two, openly allow the other person to have their peace.
Three, give room and space for a genuine “I am sorry” that shows remorse from the one who wronged you.
Four, without condoning their bad behavior, move on with your life. You can choose to stay in contact with them or not.
These four steps certainly proved out when I was a producer in the early years of CBS’s Survivor. Every season, one of my shows was the last episode, so I was on the beach with the remaining Survivor contestants until the very end, day thirty-nine (except for the Australia season, when it was forty-two days). It always struck me when a Survivor sat in an interview apologizing for their deceitful behavior in the game. Time and again, season after season, I would hear the same thing. “This is not really me. This is just me playing a game.” Every time in my head, my reply was the same. “No, this is the ‘real you.’ You simply have never been put into a situation that brought out or pushed forth this aspect of you. It is the real you. How could it not be?”
We all have a darker side. The question is, how do you view and treat this part of yourself when it rears its dreadful head? Those Survivors who humbly and genuinely apologized for their betrayals were often forgiven.
Those who remained arrogant and unremorseful were not and soon found themselves voted off the island.
While forgiving others is essential to one’s happiness, it is also necessary to forgive ourselves. Otherwise, resentment, anger, shame, or guilt will interfere with your life. So many people’s minds are caught in a nonstop hamster wheel going round and round, reliving the same story of hurt, betrayal, and victimization with an internal voice continually nagging and criticizing their every move, obsessing over why they did what they did, why the other person did what they did, reliving the should-not-haves that creep into your mind, “If I knew then what I know now,” and blaming others for their circumstance. Instead of replaying the loop, say something kind to yourself. Say something loving, and repeat it until that hamster wheel halts, and you know that you have finally forgiven. Forgiving does not mean that you forget what has happened. It means you no longer hate yourself or blame others.
Then there are those incredibly embarrassing times, shameful moments when you did something so wrong to someone else that you cannot bring yourself to talk about it. You cannot bring yourself to confront the person you harbor guilt over. Find a way. Festering shame and guilt make you feel weak and vulnerable. In these moments, it is essential to understand that while you may have done something wrong, that does not make you a bad person. If you need to, write a letter, make a phone call, see that person you hurt. Admit your remorseful feelings. Tell them how you want to make amends. However, be prepared: that person may not accept your apology. You will know you tried, and that effort alone begins the healing process.
When Forgiveness Feels Difficult
Write the truth of what happened.
A few lines are enough. Naming the moment calms the mind and stops the story from spiraling.
Name what lingers.
Often the event has already passed, and what remains is something smaller—a bruise to your pride, disappointment, embarrassment, or the feeling of being dismissed. Naming it underscores what needs attention.
Choose what supports your peace.
Ask yourself, “What choice helps me settle right now?” It may be easing a judgment, stepping away from blame, or pausing the loop you have been replaying.
Loosen your grip.
Say, “I let this go for my wellbeing.” Notice what changes.
Close with kindness toward yourself.
Rest a hand on your heart. Acknowledge that you are learning. Acknowledge that relief is allowed. When you offer yourself compassion, the heart softens enough to move forward.
Over time, the focus shifts from what happened to how you want to live now.
Forgiveness is an act of courage. It does not excuse the hurt or erase the memory. It simply loosens the hold that pain has on you so that life can move again. Whether you are forgiving another or yourself, the end game is the same. Inner peace, so you can move on with your life.
So this month, let this be your invitation: choose one person, memory, or mistake that still takes up space in your heart. Apply just one of the steps I mentioned. See what happens. You may want to try another step. One more thing. Know that healing often comes one release, one breath, and one moment of understanding at a time.
“Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed.” — More wise words to heed from the Bishop.
This article includes an excerpt from my debut book, “Take a Shot at Happiness: How to Write, Direct & Produce the Life You Want,” which reached Amazon’s #1 Bestseller list in the Creativity Self-Help category and was an Eric Hoffer Literary Award Finalist. It was voted “Best Personal Development Book of the Year 2024” and received the “2025 Leader of the Year” award from this magazine. The book has won thirteen prestigious awards, including the Silver Nautilus Book Award and multiple category honors from the NYC Big Book Awards, National Indie Excellence Awards, Best Book Award, and the Independent Press Award. It was also featured in Times Square, New York.
“We all have a darker side. The question is, how do you view and treat this part of yourself when it rears its dreadful head?”
-Maria Baltazzi, PhD, MFA
You can find more intentional practices in my book or by downloading my Take a Shot at Happiness app.
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