Loving Me, Loving You: The Power of Self-Love

Loving Me, Loving You: The Power of Self-Love. As Valentine’s Day approaches, “love is in the air—and on the airwaves.”

What’s your favorite love song?

• The soaring “I Will Always Love You”?
• The soulful “Thinking Out Loud”?
• The deeply personal “All of Me”?

My personal favorite? Fugees – “Killing Me Softly…”

Artists, writers, and creatives have spent lifetimes trying to capture the full experiences of love—the yearning, the finding, the losing, and the re-yearning. Love really is the heartbeat of our emotional lives.

Beyond the work of our lives, we intrinsically desire that deep connection to be seen and understood, unconditionally. When this doesn’t happen, we become anywhere from frustrated to enraged, lonely to devastated.

I’ve been there, haven’t you? Fell in love, encountered deep heartache, and then went out there again!

Brené Brown talks about the necessity of reducing shame toward increasing vulnerability and toward improving intimacy. (1) Mel Robbins speaks of alignment with our core selves (2). Hendrix teaches us that we unconsciously attract someone into our lives to heal a deeper wound. (3)

As a psychotherapist who’s been in practice for close to 40 years, I bring people together to experience the raw power of connection and love by unapologetically being ourselves, with self-worth, vulnerability, curiosity, and compassion.

But if love is so essential, why do we mess it up so easily?

• We chose ‘wrong.’
• We show up ‘wrong.’
• We go too fast.
• We go too slow.
• We fight.
• We hide.
• We yell.
• We hold back.
• We get out too soon.
• We hang on too long…

Because love activates our deepest wounds. The ways we’ve been hurt—and the ways we’ve adapted to protect ourselves—inevitably show up in our closest relationships, where it often matters the most.

The Five Key Developmental Milestones (4)

To create and maintain intimacy, we must first master these five psychological foundations:

1. Trust
2. Control
3. Autonomy
4. Worthiness 5. Identity

When these milestones are disrupted—as they often are in childhood—the effects ripple into adulthood.

• A trust wound develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or dismissive. We learn to either over-trust and ignore red flags or under-trust and push people away at the first sign of discomfort or conflict.
• A control wound forms when we grew up under authoritarian parenting, or the opposite, with too little structure. We might become rigid, needing to control everything to feel safe. Or we might give our power away to avoid friction.
• An autonomy wound shows up when we weren’t allowed to explore and figure out our boundaries with others. As adults, we may become overly dependent, craving constant reassurance—or we may resist closeness to avoid feeling smothered.
• A worthiness wound is often rooted in criticism, neglect, or conditional love. We either shrink ourselves to stay acceptable or puff ourselves up to overcompensate, needing constant validation to feel okay.
• An identity wound emerges when we were shamed for who we are and expected to be someone we’re not, or conversely, not provided with enough healthy limits. We can lose ourselves in relationships or build a false self that disconnects us from authentic intimacy.

How Do You Dance with Intimacy?

Think about these:

This is not about shame or blame—it’s about awareness. Because with awareness comes choice. And here’s the most important truth: the healing doesn’t begin with another person. It begins with you. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for other relationships in your life. And what about loving yourself so powerfully that you join the other 61% of females, like I have, who are happier single? (5)

Learning to “Date Yourself”

You can fill in those gaps from your developmental wounds and restore a healthier, necessary balance of trust, control, autonomy, worthiness, and identity by:

1. Trusting Yourself—Build Self-Compassion, Self-Affirmation, and clear the way to your Wise Gut. Take a moment of mindfulness each day.

Breathe.

Check in.

Ask:

a. “What was hard for me today?”

b. “How did that make me feel?” (no right or wrong answers here)

c. “What went well?” (Balance the brain that not all was hard.)

d. “What does that say about who I am?” (see if you can answer with a specific positive way to describe your resilience.)

e. “What do I need from myself today?” (something specific to honor what is most important, given how you feel and what your strength is.)

This builds a daily rhythm of self-attunement—the foundation of internal trust.

2. Balancing Control—Structure your days in a way that supports good self-care, without pressure. Take responsibility for your wellbeing through consistent, flexible self-care. Not perfection—just consistency. Prioritize sleep, eat consciously, move your body to discharge stress and improve mood and energy, and engage in life-affirming activities.

3. Living with Autonomy—Being alone without being lonely, being self-reliant, balanced with relying on others. Carve out time each week to be alone—not as punishing or indulgent isolation but as a gift.

Take 20 soothing minutes to journal, meditate, or enjoy your senses—music, candles, good food, a warm bath, or take a mindful walk in nature. Let the stillness be a reminder: you are whole on your own.

And balance that by asking for support. One small “ask” each week, from someone you trust. If you don’t have that person yet, let this be the nudge to start building your support network.

4. Improving Your Worth—Demonstrate worthiness with vulnerability and depersonalization. Once a week, share something vulnerable—a need, a fear, or a joy—with someone who has earned the right to hear it.

And when past pain arises, try this perspective: identify how what happened to you wasn’t about you. It was a reflection of the other person’s wounds, projected outward. That doesn’t excuse it—but it helps you depersonalize it and release the blame and/or shame.

5. Celebrating Your Identity! – Celebrate your unique essence. Every month, buy a new outfit, go somewhere different, try a new class, and start a new project. Express a part of yourself that’s been too quiet, and enjoy!

Final Thought: Self-love isn’t selfish.

“Self-love isn’t indulgent—it’s foundational. And the journey begins with choosing ourselves every day.” -Karen Goslin

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