The Courage to Disappoint: Why Letting Go of External Approval is Your Path to True Self-Worth
“Everything in my body is saying ‘no,’ but what comes out of my mind is ‘Sure, I can do that.’”
A client shared this recently in one of our one-on-one sessions, describing the burnout and exhaustion from being perpetually overworked. Her words echoed a sentiment I hear often: “I know that I struggle to set boundaries, but I cannot make myself do anything other than say ‘yes’ in the moments where more is put on my plate.”
This isn’t just about a demanding boss; it’s a window into a deeper, more pervasive issue: the chronic people-pleasing, the inability to say ‘no,’ and the discomfort with conflict. Many of us know this pattern intimately—driven by the fear of burdening others, of causing discomfort, or even worse, of being disliked.
The Invisible Chains of Approval
As we talked further, I asked my client about her boss, what he represented to her, and what she was truly seeking through him. She admitted that while she didn’t have much respect for him, she “needed him” to get into the “rooms” she aspired to enter one day. This struck me. It begs two critical questions: if the man you don’t respect is in that room, are you sure it’s the room you truly want to be in? And, more importantly, why don’t you believe you can get into that room on your own?
Her silence was telling. She was surprised that she couldn’t answer. “It’s hard to believe so much of this boils down to self-worth,” she finally said.
Are you chasing rooms you don’t truly desire, driven by a hidden fear of not being enough?
This is the core of what most people don’t understand about people-pleasing, perfectionism, and poor boundaries. These behaviors aren’t about wanting to be good, really. They are driven by the deeply ingrained anxiety that you aren’t good enough. The chronic need for external approval can be what drives you to consistently put ourselves and our inner voice second, creating an exhausting cycle of self-betrayal.
“The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are and not who people think you are.” – Goldie Hawn
My Own Journey to ‘Disappointing with Dignity’
There was a time when my calendar was dictated by everyone else’s needs but my own. A specific instance: I committed to a social event that I dreaded simply because I didn’t want to disappoint the organizer. My body screamed ‘no,’ but my mouth had already uttered ‘yes.’ The dread leading up to it was palpable.
The morning of the event, I finally reached my breaking point and called to respectfully decline. I offered a brief, honest explanation without over-apologizing or fabricating an elaborate excuse (I used to do that all the time). The initial discomfort was intense as the familiar voice saying “they’re going to be disappointed” taunted me.
But a profound sense of relief washed over me afterward, and I was extremely proud of myself for being honest.
It wasn’t about being mean or indifferent; it was about honoring my truth, my energy, and my need for rest. That small act of courage felt like a giant leap towards reclaiming my own autonomy. The relief I experienced in that moment was a powerful affirmation that choosing myself was not selfish but necessary.
Disappointing with Dignity: Honoring Your Truth
What I offered to my client is “disappointing with dignity.” This approach can help chronic people-pleasers start to develop boundaries in an accessible way.
Declining someone’s request for your time, energy, skillset, or anything else is not about being mean or weak but about honoring yourself.
It’s realizing that none of your life would be possible without you. If you deplete yourself to nothing, your life cannot genuinely go on. It’s about recognizing your inherent worth and value, not needing to prove it through constant self-sacrifice.
Saying ‘no’ isn’t mean; it’s a courageous ‘yes’ to yourself.
There’s this inside-out view we often hold that we must work endlessly to keep the job, keep the friendship, and keep the approval. But the truth is, the job wouldn’t exist without you in it.
Now, some might argue, “Well, I could easily be replaced!” That’s true. We are all replaceable when it comes to roles or positions. So why not set reasonable boundaries?
I am not suggesting you slack off or avoid putting in effort. Instead, develop limits that preserve your quality of life and instill trust in yourself that you are worthy of the job and the life you desire without killing yourself for it.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown
The Outcome: Authenticity and Self-Respect
Embracing the courage to disappoint others for the sake of your own well-being empowers you to make choices aligned with your authentic self.
This shift reduces the simmering resentment that builds when you constantly override your own needs. It builds genuine self-respect, brick by courageous brick, as you learn to trust your inner compass over external expectations.
You are worthy, inherently, not conditionally. Your boundaries are not walls; they are the foundation for a life lived with integrity and true wholeness
Learn more about reclaiming your energy and building an unshakable sense of self at www.parinazshams.com. It’s time to choose you.
Saying ‘no’ isn’t mean or selfish – it’s a courageous ‘yes’ to yourself. – Parinaz Shams
- Connect with Parinaz Shams
- More articles from our Executive Contributor, Parinaz Shams