The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants… Why Do We Want What We Can’t Have?
Have you ever noticed how appealing something becomes when it’s out of reach?
- The shoes that sold out in your size feel like a “must-have.”
- The relationship ending has you replaying the best moments in your head.
- The child who ignored a toy for days will throw a fit the second you take it away.
It’s human behavior.
Our brains are wired to chase what we can’t have. It’s neuroscience, psychology, and some evolutionary design all rolled into one shiny thing. Let’s decode this mystery of desire and learn how to reclaim our power when the heart wants something based on programming.
1. Scarcity Makes It Sparkly
If you’ve ever noticed how a toy becomes ten times more fascinating the moment you take it from a child, congratulations! You’ve witnessed the scarcity effect in action. The same wiring operates in us.
Our brains evolved to value what’s rare. When something or someone feels unavailable or hard to attain, the brain fires off a cascade of dopamine, the neurochemical of motivation and pursuit. Dopamine isn’t simply the “pleasure” molecule, as pop culture claims; it’s the anticipation molecule. The “reward is coming” vibe. It fuels the chase, not the capture.
When we sense scarcity, our subconscious tags the item, person, or opportunity as “high value.” The problem? Once we get it, our dopamine drops. The glitter fades, and this is why the chase often feels more intoxicating than the catch.
The Short Shelf Life of “New”
Part of how scarcity hooks us is that our brains are wired to crave novelty but not to sustain it. Research on “hedonic adaptation” shows the thrill of “new” wears off fast. Whether it’s a new car, a new relationship, or a new opportunity, our happiness usually returns to baseline within a few weeks or months once the excitement becomes familiar.
The brain quickly normalizes pleasure so we can focus on survival, not stay blissed out forever. The trick is to notice when adaptation is happening and interrupt it. Gratitude, variety, and savoring moments can stretch out the joy and remind you that meaning lasts longer than novelty. Scarcity makes something sparkle, but appreciation is what keeps it glowing.
2. The Loss-Aversion Trap
Behavioral economists show that loss feels about twice as powerful as gain feels good. Losing $100 hurts far more than finding $100 delights. Emotionally, our brains are wired the same way with relationships.
When someone pulls away, cancels plans, or withdraws affection, our inner alarm bells go off. The amygdala, the brain’s security system, reads it as danger. Suddenly, we’re not just missing a person; we’re fighting for emotional survival.
That’s why a breakup, a ghosting, or even a short silence from someone can make us obsess. The mind spins: What did I do wrong? How can I get them back? The brain is simply trying to restore a sense of safety. Ironically, the same chemical panic can feel a lot like passion.
3. The Forbidden-Fruit Effect
Enter reactance theory: when choices are limited, we crave them more! Tell a teenager they can’t date someone, and guess who they’ll be texting at midnight. Tell yourself you must not check your ex’s social media, and suddenly the temptation feels irresistible. Doomscrolling? Check!
Humans love autonomy. When something feels off-limits, the brain experiences a kind of psychological rebellion: “You can’t tell me what I can’t have!” The desire is about restoring choice.
This explains why so many affairs, rebound relationships, or on-again-off-again dynamics sizzle with forbidden energy but rarely healthy love. The heat comes from defiance, not devotion.
4. The Mirror of Unmet Needs
When I ask clients what draws them to someone unavailable, their answers usually sound romantic: “They’re mysterious,” “They’re confident,” or “They make me feel alive.” But dig a layer deeper and the truth emerges: what we crave in others often mirrors something unacknowledged in us.
Unavailable partners or items can symbolize approval, challenge, or validation we haven’t yet given ourselves. The desire becomes a signal. If we’re chasing attention or status, it might reveal an inner child still waiting to be chosen. If we’re hooked on emotional drama, perhaps calm feels foreign/unsafe.
The heart’s longing, when decoded, often points the way home to our own unmet emotional needs.
5. The Dopamine vs. Oxytocin Dilemma in Relationships
Here’s where brain chemistry makes things tricky. Dopamine drives desire, excitement, and anticipation.
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, creates trust, comfort, and stability. Unfortunately, they don’t always peak at the same time.
Early attraction is dopamine-dominant: thrilling, uncertain, and electric. Long-term connection thrives on oxytocin: safety, connection, and peace. Many people mistake the adrenaline rush of pursuit for genuine compatibility. When the excitement calms (as it must), they fear something’s wrong, when, truthfully, their chemistry is simply shifting from the “spark” to the “steady flame.”
Learning to value oxytocin over adrenaline means embracing calm, which is a radical act in a world addicted to intensity.
6. Childhood Scripts Replaying
That toddler clinging to a toy after you take it away? Adults do the same emotional dance, only with fancier vocabulary and more stuff! Early attachment patterns teach our nervous systems what love or satisfaction feels like.
If love or safety in childhood felt inconsistent, sometimes close, sometimes distant, our adult brains may confuse inconsistency with excitement. We mistake anxiety for need or attraction. We develop patterns of wanting the unattainable “high value” items. The unavailable partner mirrors a familiar pattern: the reach, the hope, the almost-but-not-quite.
Recognizing this is liberating. Once we realize our system equates uncertainty with passion or desire, we can consciously retrain it to crave stability and like what we already have.
7. Rewiring the Wanting
So how do we unhook from the “can’t-have” illusion and open to what’s genuinely meant for us? A few mind-body resets can help:
1. Name the scarcity story. Ask yourself: What do I believe this represents that I don’t already have? Is it excitement? Worthiness? Proof I’m lovable? Awareness rewrites the script.
2. Shift from chase to choice. Each time you feel the pull toward something unavailable, pause and breathe. Ask: Do I want this, or do I just want to win and feel valued? Desire rooted in competition fades fast; true connection lasts.
3. Soothe your nervous system. When longing spikes, so does cortisol. Move your body: shake out your hands, take a power walk, and do slow breathing. Physical resets calm the chemistry so logic can return.
4. Practice abundance focus. List what’s already available: people who show up, things that bring us peace, and opportunities within reach. The brain can’t hold scarcity and gratitude at the same time.
5. Redefine “spark.” Train your brain to find attraction in consistency, kindness, humor, and shared growth—the real ingredients of sustainable chemistry.
A Heart-Brain Takeaway
The next time you catch yourself wanting the toy you just set down or the person who’s walking away, remember: your brain is simply firing an ancient survival code. True desire isn’t about what we can’t have. It’s about what we choose to have/create. here’s the truth: You were never designed to run on empty. You were built to thrive. And every time you reset, you rise. It’s in who you choose to be.
“When you crave what you can’t have, it’s not weakness; it’s wiring. The trick is learning to guide the chemistry, not be ruled by it.”
– Theresa Byrne
In Case No One Told You Today:
- You’re not too much.
- You’re not behind.
- And you’re definitely not broken.
Retriggering is a sign you’re human. And healing. If you need support, I offer sessions to help calm your nervous system.
So the next time an old (unwanted) pattern rears its gnarly head? Smile. Nod. And remind yourself, “I see you. We’ve met before. But I don’t hang out here anymore.” It’s handled with care. If you’re an empath, know you don’t have to suffer under the weight of the world. You can learn to hold space for others without losing yourself in the process. And that’s true empowerment.
BOOK YOUR ACTIVATION SESSION TODAY.
AND RELEASE SOMETHING THAT HOLDS YOU BACK!
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