What Survivor Taught Me About Forgiving
For years, once a year, I spent thirty-nine days on a beach, watching people I had lived alongside for over a month try to explain themselves. Time after time, a contestant would sit across from me in an interview and admit to a deception, a broken alliance, or a lie that had blindsided a friend, and the same words came out.
“This is not really me. This is just me playing a game.”
I thought the same reply back every time. This is the real you. You had just never been put in a situation that brought this side of yourself out before.
That show was Survivor. I produced it for years, always doing the finale.
I heard those same words season after season. The ones who went to the person they had wronged and apologized like they meant it, owning the betrayal instead of excusing it, were usually Forgiven. The ones who stayed defensive, guarding their image, were rarely Forgiven. They were often voted off the island soon after.
Every one of us has a side we would rather not admit exists. The question that matters is, what do you do when it shows up?
Archbishop Desmond Tutu created a process that changed how I move through my own hurt, anger, and betrayal. I still use a version of it today. It comes down to four steps.
- Speak your hurt until there is nothing left unsaid.
- Let the other person have their own peace, without your interference.
- Make room for an apology, one with actual remorse behind it.
- Move forward with your life, whether or not you keep that person in it.
None of these steps ask you to forget what happened. Tutu said it best: “Forgiving is not forgetting; it is actually remembering—remembering, and not using your right to hit back.”
Forgiving someone else is the part most people expect. Forgiving yourself is the part that takes longer and asks more of you.
So many people spin on the same wheel, replaying an old story of hurt or betrayal, an inner voice picking apart every choice. Why did I do that?
Why did they do that? If I knew then what I know now. That wheel does not slow down because you found the right argument. It slows down because you finally said something kind to yourself, then said it again until the noise underneath it settles. Forgiving yourself does not erase what happened. It means you stop hating yourself for it, and you stop handing the blame to everyone around you instead.
Then there is a different kind of shame, attached to something you did to someone, something so wrong you can barely say it out loud. That kind of guilt can follow you into every room you enter. Doing something wrong does not make you a bad person. Find a way to reach the one you hurt. Write the letter. Make the call. Sit across from them if you can. Tell them what you did, and tell them how you want to make it right. That person may not accept your apology. You will still have done the honest thing, and that is progress toward Forgiving yourself.
Tutu said something else I have never forgotten: “Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed.” Every person you are working to Forgive, including yourself, holds both of those truths at once.
Your Practice
Think of one relationship where Forgiveness is overdue, with another person or with yourself. Write out Tutu’s four steps as they apply to that exact situation: what still needs to be said, what peace you can allow the other person, what an honest apology sounds like, and what moving forward looks like. Start with your own page.
Photo Op
Create a collage of photographs showing people embracing, shaking hands, offering a compassionate touch, or reconnecting after conflict.
Action Opportunity
Sit with those images and journal on where Forgiveness is missing in your life right now. Start with the centering thought: “I understand.”
Notice what changes in you as you become more willing to Forgive someone else or yourself. Then say, out loud or silently:
“I Forgive others and myself, accepting in each the loving essence of who we are as spiritual beings having a human experience.”
This article includes an excerpt from my debut book, Take a Shot at Happiness: How to Write, Direct & Produce the Life You Want, which reached Amazon’s #1 Bestseller list in the Creativity Self-Help category and was an Eric Hoffer Literary Award Finalist. It was voted “Best Personal Development Book of the Year 2024” and received the “2025 Leader of the Year” award from this magazine. The book has won thirteen prestigious awards, including the Silver Nautilus Book Award and multiple category honors from the NYC Big Book Awards, National Indie Excellence Awards, Best Book Award, and the Independent Press Award. It was also featured in Times Square, New York.
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“Forgiving is not forgetting, it is actually remembering—remembering and not using your right to hit back.”
-Maria Baltazzi, PhD, MFA
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