Boundaries You Need When Things Fall Apart – When life feels like it’s falling apart, everything can seem overwhelming. Maybe it’s an unforeseen emergency, a family upset/illness, a relationship issue, or simply a period of emotional chaos, but the one thing we can use to provide us a bit of stability and clarity? BOUNDARIES!
Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren’t walls to keep people out; they are tools to protect your energy, focus, and well-being. They help you regulate your overwrought nervous system by letting yourself know, “HEY, I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.” It can be the lifeline you need to navigate a storm with grace and resilience.
Here are the five most critical boundaries to set when things feel out of control and how they can transform your ability to cope.
1. Boundaries with Expectations
One of the hardest parts of navigating chaos is letting go of perfection or how we THINK life “should” be going. Unrealistic expectations—of yourself or others—can create unnecessary stress. Like the fact we believe we should be able to handle everything with ease, but in reality, some life stuff is just hard. Honor it.
Steps:
- Adjust expectations: During challenging times, some things won’t go as planned, and it’s OK.
- Embrace imperfection: Focus on progress, not perfection. Small wins are still wins. Take steps as you can, based on “what’s needed now”.
- Release control: Understand some outcomes are beyond our influence and focus on what you can control. What you CAN do right here, right now.
After my car accident, I struggled with the expectation I “should” recover quickly and handle everything as I had before. When I allowed myself to slow down and prioritize small, meaningful steps, I found peace in the process rather than the outcome. I had to slowly teach myself new skills and ways to rebuild my brain.
2. Boundaries with Yourself
When chaos strikes, it’s easy to spiral into self-sabotage. You might find yourself overthinking, overcommitting, or drowning in negative self-talk. Setting boundaries with yourself is the first step toward reclaiming your inner calm. Give yourself a break!
Steps:
- Self-talk boundaries: Notice the inner bully who surfaces during tough times. Replace harsh thoughts with compassionate ones. Instead of thinking, “I can’t handle this,” try, “I am doing the best I can with what I have.”
- Time management: Allocate specific times for rest, reflection, and problem-solving. This prevents burnout and allows you to approach challenges with a clear mind.
- Energy protection: Be intentional about how you spend your energy. Limit tasks and commitments that do not align with your immediate priorities. Honor your energy, your brain and system are working overtime on self-preservation in times of high chaos.
During a particularly stressful period in my life, I realized I could be my own worst enemy. I binge-watched more TV than ever, berating myself for not handling the stress better. When I committed to more calming and celebrating catching my inner bully thoughts, I felt a shift. Rest and self-compassion became the foundation I needed to rebuild.
3. Boundaries with Others
When you’re already dealing with high levels of stress, the demands of others can feel like too much to bear. Protecting your energy often means setting clear and compassionate boundaries with the people around you.
Steps:
- Say “no” gracefully: It’s okay to decline requests that add to your stress. Things like, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for understanding.”
- Limit emotional dumping: If someone’s negativity is draining you, gently steer conversations toward solutions or take a step back. It’s OK for someone not to mesh with you right now.
- Communicate needs: Let others know HOW they can support you. Sometimes people don’t realize they’re adding to your stress.
A friend once called me daily to vent about her problems during a time when I was already stretched thin and trying to heal. I felt guilty setting a boundary, but I explained how I needed some space to manage my own challenges and stay positive. Plus I felt really powerless to help her deal with her upsets. To my surprise, she understood and even apologized for not realizing the impact it had on me. Our friendship grew stronger because I spoke up.
4. Boundaries with Time and Commitments
Time feels scarce when life is chaotic. Setting boundaries around your schedule helps you focus on what truly matters and lets go of the rest.
Steps:
- Prioritize essentials: Identify what tasks are truly necessary and which can be postponed or eliminated. The “3 Ds” framework—Delegate, Defer, Delete—is a lifesaver.
- Time-blocking: Schedule non-negotiable time for self-care, even if it’s just 15 minutes to breathe or take a walk. Or lunch without reading or TV.
- Say “not now” to extras: Social obligations, volunteering, or extra work projects can wait until you’re back on solid ground.
When my mother recently had surgery in another state, I was juggling my work, family, and caregiving. I learned to say “not now” to unnecessary commitments and delayed tasks wherever possible. By focusing only on what was essential, I preserved my energy and was able to show up fully where it mattered most.
Boundaries Are Tools for Resilience
When life feels like it’s unraveling, boundaries can be your anchor. They provide clarity, protect your energy, and create space for healing. Remember, boundaries aren’t about keeping others out; they’re about keeping yourself in alignment with what you need most.
Start small. Choose one area—whether it’s with yourself, others, time, technology, or expectations—and implement a boundary today. As you practice, you’ll discover the strength and stability that boundaries bring, even in the midst of chaos.
Your well-being matters, and setting boundaries is one of the most compassionate acts you can do for yourself. Life may fall apart, but with boundaries, you’ve got this!
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