Navigating Grief with Grace – I never expected to be a widow at 48 years old. The call came after I had just finished my morning coffee and couldn’t reach my husband. Being the wife of an active Fentanyl user, I had braced myself for years to hear that he had overdosed or crashed his car. But this time, the call came when he was 29 days sober.
That was supposed to be our turning point. For the first time in years, I had allowed myself to hope—to imagine a future where addiction didn’t dictate every aspect of our lives. Timothy had been fighting so hard, and I had fought alongside him every step of the way. But in the end, the disease of addiction took him, and I was left to navigate a world without him.
The Unpredictable Journey of Grief
Grief is a deeply personal journey, but it’s also universal. Losing someone you love—whether expected or sudden—forces you to confront an ocean of emotions that can feel overwhelming. For me, it wasn’t just the loss of Timothy; it was the loss of the future we had fought so hard to create together.
Our story had always been a complicated one. In 2018, we wrote I Married a Junkie, a raw and honest account of Timothy’s addiction and how it shaped our marriage. As an addiction psychologist, I had spent years building my company and working with others to overcome the very struggle that was playing out in my own home. Writing the book together was cathartic but also incredibly challenging. It forced us to confront the darkest parts of our journey while also acknowledging the love and resilience that kept us together.
The early days of grief were a blur. I moved through them in survival mode, barely able to breathe under the weight of the loss. I questioned everything. Could I have done more? Was there something I missed? These thoughts plagued me, and guilt became my constant companion.
What I’ve learned is that grief doesn’t follow a straight line. There are no stages that neatly progress from one to the next. Some days, I felt strong and capable; others, I was brought to my knees by the smallest reminder of him—a song, a smell, or an empty chair at the dinner table.
Finding Grace in the Pain
Navigating grief with grace doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions or pretending you’re okay when you’re not. It’s about allowing yourself to feel the pain while also finding moments of light and hope. For me, that meant creating a new relationship with Timothy’s memory.
Before his death, we had started working on a second book, I Married a Junkie: Till Death Do Us Part. This time, the focus was on his journey toward recovery, the impact of sobriety on our relationship, and the hard truths about rebuilding after years of addiction. Tragically, Timothy passed away before we could finish it. Completing that book became my way of honoring him, of ensuring his voice and story would continue to reach others.
Grace also came from embracing imperfection. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, days when anger and sadness consumed me. But I gave myself permission to feel those things without judgment. Grief is messy, and expecting yourself to handle it “perfectly” only adds to the burden.
The Importance of Support
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that grief is not meant to be carried alone. Reaching out for support—whether from family, friends, or a professional counselor—can make all the difference.
I was fortunate to have a sister who stood by me through the darkest moments. Together, we found ways to honor Timothy’s memory while also encouraging each other to move forward. One of the most meaningful experiences during this time was being featured on the cover of a magazine with her. It was a reminder that even in the midst of pain, there are moments of pride and connection to be found.
If you’re grieving, don’t be afraid to lean on others. Share your feelings, even if they’re raw or messy. Let people hold space for you.
Moving Forward Without Letting Go
Two years have passed since that life-altering call. In that time, I’ve moved twice, each time seeking a space that felt like a fresh start. I’ve rebuilt parts of my life, but I’ve also learned that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving the person you lost behind.
Timothy is with me every day—in the lessons he taught me, in the strength I’ve gained from our journey, and in the work I do to raise awareness about addiction and recovery. His story didn’t end with his death; it continues through the books we wrote, the impact they’ve had, and the lives they’ve touched.
Completing I Married a Junkie: Till Death Do Us Part was bittersweet. It wasn’t the way I wanted our story to end, but it was a way to give his fight meaning, to turn our shared pain into something that could help others.
A Message to Those Grieving
If you’re navigating grief, know this: It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to cry, to scream, to feel lost. But it’s also okay to smile again, to find joy in small moments, and to build a life that honors your loved one while allowing you to grow.
Grief changes you, but it doesn’t have to destroy you. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can learn to carry it with grace.
For those battling addiction or standing by someone who is, don’t wait to reach out for help. There is strength in vulnerability and hope in connection.
Fly high Timothy Lane. As you always said, “It’s been a good run”. Your love and your fight will always be a part of me.
Get Dr. Cali Estes’s Book
Well, you know it ends. The question is, how did we get here? The saying goes, ‘There are only 3 ways out of addiction: death, institutions, and jail.’ Tim managed all of them in one lifetime.
This book is the raw, uncut truth behind what happened that led to his death. Multiple overdoses, car crashes, hit-and-runs, police arrests, and even SWAT were no match for his addiction. If that doesn’t shock you, what happened AFTER he died will.
Authors Note:
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