“Are you trying to get pregnant?”
“Good, it’s not currently possible.”
You don’t have the necessary hormones needed to build a healthy and thick uterine lining, one that would sustain a viable pregnancy.
Those words slammed me in the face like a freight train hitting a wall at a high speed… “I don’t understand…” “I bleed every month” “I have a spike in temperature and a shift in cervical mucus…” While my cycle was on the shorter side at 26 days it will still be within a healthy range I was speechless and admittedly more upset than I thought I would be. At 36, I feel and appear to be the healthiest I have ever been in my adult life. While I had no desire to get pregnant at that moment There had been a push-pull in me for years.
Even traces of what I would call an undercurrent of intermittent desire to bring another being earth side And, I had had such a traumatic experience with my first pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum period I had purposely spent years focusing on all the really daunting parts of my previous pregnancy and motherhood to build a story around what having another baby would be like so that it didn’t appeal to me And, I thought I had a choice. To hear that the choice to have another baby was no longer available to me brought the clarity I had needed in regard to the topic of motherhood and expanding my family…rather quickly
The truth is…
I still had moments of curiosity about having a second baby Deep down inside living at the core of the human I am, I wanted a redemptive experience that allowed me to work with the power that it is to be a mother laboring through the birthing experience on my terms. Admitting that to myself was both powerful and frightening. And.. now that option wasn’t available to me.
I wonder how many people walk around merely living life through the lens of a stifled story they have told themselves.
I wonder how many of those stories are rooted in trauma.
I wonder how many of those stories are crafted in a subconscious attempt to build walls around our heart instead of bridges to give way to the space needed to experience the duality offered up by the many experiences life offers to us.
I wonder how much life many of us miss out on living simply (or not so simply) because we are afraid.
Thus, it is seemingly easier (yet, almost always more painful and filled with regret) to walk on the safe side of life.
The lab read continued and admittedly, I half-listened.
Luckily, I have a solid foundation of understanding labs through the lens of functionality and not just understanding them within a given range. This allowed me to pick up on and take note of keywords and phrases needed to follow the potency of particular results playing an important role in my current overall picture. I can only imagine the state my body would be in had I not had the solid foundation set in place that I do.
I pushed my body to the point of a scream and for that, I am sorry. I now get to spend the next few months placing boundaries, saying no, sleeping, slowing down, and snuggling the baby I do have earth side.
I always empathized with women who came to me with a story of infertility but could never totally understand their lived experience because it wasn’t my own.
They say one of the most potent teachers is personal experience. Thus, here I am, laying myself humbly at the foot of the teacher. While I can’t say for sure where this road will take me what I will leaving you with is this… never underestimate the resilience of the body or the spirit.
- To the women who so badly wanted to be a mom and did not get the chance to be.
- To the women who so badly wanted to be a mom and pushed their body into all uncomfortable corners
- To the women who’s babies are no longer with us earth side
- To the women who are moms to four-legged and furry creatures
And all the moms in between that I know I am missing.
- I see you.
- I hear you.
- I feel you.
You aren’t alone. Your journey is worthy of being heard, celebrated, and supported. Happy Mother’s Day.
Big Love, T