REAL MEN ARE NOT AFRAID TO CRY – Guys, when we were growing up, we all heard someone tell us, “GIRLS CRY, BOYS DON’T” or “REAL MEN DON’T CRY.”
Envision the afternoon of the High School Prom. A group of teenage girls are getting ready together for the big night. One notices a pimple on her face. Horrified tears fill her eyes for fear this hideous blemish will ruin everything. Her friends immediately come to her aid and collectively help her conceal the dreaded zit. Meanwhile, the boys are playing football. One gets tackled and breaks his arm. Despite excruciating pain, he fights tears and would rather die than cry in front of his friends.
Stereotypes notwithstanding, crying is socially acceptable for women because, for millennia, women have been socialized to embrace and openly express their emotions. Generally speaking, women are better at acknowledging, processing, and expressing their feelings, especially when it comes to grieving the loss of a loved one.
Conversely, men have been taught to suppress their feelings. Historically, the only socially acceptable emotion for men to express in public is anger. Aside from providing a fascinating hypothesis to explain the constant violence that has plagued human history, this stigma toward crying has made it very difficult for men to process and express their feelings. The “real men don’t cry” mindset leaves guys emotionally high and dry when they need to cry, especially when a loved one dies.
Crying is part of our programming and a normal human response to grief. Harvard Health Blog (March 2021) reported that American women cry an average of 3.5 times per month, whereas American men cry an average of 1.9 times per month. Yet macho bravado dictates a man must never cry because that makes him appear feminine and weak. But does it?
The bravest and toughest guy I’ve ever known was a US Navy SEAL I called Dad. He taught me many valuable life skills, like how to fix things, situational awareness, self-defense, negotiation tactics, and the importance of education. He also told me, “A real man is never afraid to cry for someone he loves who died.”
Dad was right—and the day he died, I definitely followed his advice.
Guys, it’s okay to cry. We have feelings, hearts, and tear ducts for a reason, and never is that more apparent than when someone we love dies. As a psychic medium, I help people cope with grief by facilitating communication between people in our world and their loved ones in spirit.
I’ve worked extensively with grieving men and observed that while men and women feel the pain of loss equally, they tend to grieve differently. The most devastating and painful loss is the death of a child. For parents, the dynamics of grief are especially complex. There’s the way a mother grieves, the way the father grieves, and then the way they grieve jointly as parents. Sometimes, tension arises because a mother who may be more demonstrative in her grief feels the father isn’t grieving enough because he turns inward and doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. Then, if there are surviving children, there’s the way the siblings grieve, which is influenced by the way the parents grieve. The surviving children may feel marginalized because, from their perspective, the parents seem to love the deceased child more than they love the living child or children. These dynamics are further complicated by divorce and/or being part of a blended family. How can this not be overwhelming?
The pain of grief is an immense form of stress. Think of yourself as a can of soda that’s been brutally shaken. This causes a massive pressure build-up inside of you that negatively impacts your mental, emotional, and physical health. Sometimes, you need to pop the top and let out some of the pressure before it can explode. One of the healthiest ways to do this is to allow yourself to cry.
Several scientific studies conducted at the University of Southern California, St. Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, and the University of Pittsburgh have discovered grief tears are chemically different from regular reflex tears. This is why crying is both healing and healthful.
Reflex tears, which form due to eye irritation, are 98% water, but grief tears contain stress hormones which are excreted from the body through crying. Researchers have found that in addition to shedding stress hormones, grief tears also stimulate the production of endorphins—our body’s natural pain reducer, which takes the edge off the pain of grief. Crying also activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which helps people relax. That’s why you feel both relieved and exhausted after shedding tears of grief. Your body is naturally purging itself of the chemicals that cause sadness and depression. This is soothing emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Guys—real men cry. I’m not saying you have to cry in public. Instead, find your safe place. Maybe it’s your “Man Cave,” be it a den, garage, or basement. For me, it has always been when I’m alone in nature. For many guys, cars or trucks are a safe place. Try to avoid crying while driving, which can distract you and lead to an accident. Instead, park in a secluded spot and let the tears flow. Crying can take several minutes or a few seconds—just let it happen.
ERIC CLAPTON WITH HIS SON CONOR
At the 2024 Helping Parents Heal Conference at Wild Horse Pass in Arizona, I was honored to be a keynote speaker. Helping Parents Heal is an amazing organization that helps parents cope with the death of a child. A video featuring rock and roll icon and guitar hero Eric Clapton was presented. I’ve always considered Eric Clapton as one of the coolest guys in the world.
Sadly, in 1991, his beloved four-year-old son, Conor, died tragically. Eric Clapton spoke to us not as a celebrity but as a father who lost a son. His sorrow led to him composing the song “Tears in Heaven.” This masterpiece was the soundtrack at the end of the video, which segued into an image of Eric and his son Conor*. This segment was followed by photos of the deceased children whose grieving parents were in the audience. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house—and this included the fathers.
Through my own tears, I witnessed the magnitude of the healing power of tears upon men.
Grief is a road no one wants to take, but one we’re all forced upon at some point in life. You cannot change the fact someone you love has died, but you can change the way you react to that death. Crying isn’t weakness, and real men cry for those they love who’ve died. Grief evokes deep feelings that must be expressed. Some of the greatest works of art, literature, and music were created by men who were expressing their grief. Just like the legendary Eric Clapton wrote the touching lyrics, “Beyond the door, there’s peace, I’m sure. And I know there’ll be no more Tears in Heaven.”
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