Waves of Healing: A Powerful Lesson of Determination
Today was the day.
Today was surgery day.
It was 5 am, and I was wrapped in my beautiful green hospital gown, sitting in my bed, covered with a lovely warm white blanket to keep me warm. I had completed all the pre-surgery preparations, and I was now just waiting for my name to be called. I was about to spend the next 14 hours in surgery to remove cancer and rebuild my body.
It had been an emotional journey to get to this point, and I was both relieved and scared. Fourteen hours seemed like an awfully long time to be on an operating table under anesthesia. I was more afraid of not waking up after fourteen hours than I was of having cancer removed from my body.
When my girls were little, I tried to teach them that they had more inner courage than they thought they did. When they were too afraid to try something new, I would tell them they just needed to be “big and brave.” As I laid in the bed, the lesson of “big and brave” came back to me. Now it was my turn. I didn’t want to go under anesthesia, being scared; I wanted to think happy thoughts and try to relax. I had to be “big and brave.”
Then, the lights went out. Totally dark on the entire floor. It wasn’t a little blip in the lighting; it was a full-on blackout. Nurses and doctors were scrambling around to figure out what had just happened and how they would get things back to normal.
As if I wasn’t scared enough, I was now full-blown panicked. I thought it was a sign from God that I should RUN. Run away and don’t go through with this fourteen-hour surgery. Something bad was going to happen. Get out of this bed and RUN.
Well, of course, that wasn’t happening, and within 10 minutes the lights were back on, and things were back on track. The nurse announced that “everything was OK”. No ma’am, everything was NOT OK I was terrified. At that point, my doctor poked his head through the curtain and said, “We’re up in 5 minutes.” NOOOO, I wasn’t ready yet; I was still recovering from what I thought was a secret sign from God to not go through with this surgery.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and prayed, “Dear God, please hold my hand and see me through a successful surgery. Guide my doctors with a steady hand, a clear mind, and an open heart. Please keep me strong as I fight through this journey.” Amen.
I remember being so relieved when I opened my eyes in the ICU. I had done it; I had made it through surgery! I remember feeling relieved to have this part of my journey over, and I knew my team of doctors and nurses would watch me closely and keep me safe. Now it was time to rest.
Fast forward a few days, and I was leaving the ICU to head to a regular room. It was a big day. I had spent four days in the ICU, so going upstairs to a quiet room felt like winning the lottery!
But my excitement didn’t last long. Later that evening, I had my first panic attack. Out of nowhere came a surge of absolute terror. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t stop crying. I was sure I was having a heart attack. The nurse tried to help me through it, but nothing worked. I felt like my world had crashed, and I would never find my way back to “normal.” It was the scariest moment in my life to that point.
The nurse didn’t know what else to do, so she decided to call my sister for reinforcement. Maybe my sister could talk to me and calm me down. While I sobbed uncontrollably, my sister began to calmly explain that this was just a storm, and it wouldn’t last forever.
She’s a sailor, and she likened my panic attack to a storm at sea. While I cried, she explained that when facing a powerful storm, the best strategy for a sailor is to turn the boat’s bow directly into the wind and waves. This is known as “heaving to.” By turning the bow into the wind, it can rise up and over the waves, rather than crashing through them.
That was it. I needed to be a sailor. I needed to “heave to” and turn my boat directly into the wind to ride out this storm. That’s what I would do. Now I felt safe.
I remember this story often. When I’m overwhelmed or scared, I visualize being in a sailboat and following the directions of heaving-to. Fear is much like a storm; it overwhelms, but it doesn’t last forever. With practice, we can overcome fear. We can stand with it and honor its power without allowing it to completely consume us.
Through my cancer journey, I learned a lot about the absolute power of fear. Although fear happens every day to everybody, and it is often the result of our mind fixating on images of what “might happen,” the fear I experienced through my cancer journey felt different. It was more about what was happening right now. Each step felt so intense, from surgery to ICU to the extreme chest pain from nerve damage.
But now I had a way to cope. Now, each time I felt overwhelmed with fear, I could focus on being a sailor. I could remember that storms don’t last forever, and I could focus on how beautiful things were once that storm cleared.
In her deeply personal book, Beautiful Lady, Geri Maroney courageously shares her cancer journey, offering hope and resilience to women facing similar challenges. With raw honesty and gentle humor, she provides inspiring insights and emotional tools to help patients navigate their transformative experience bravely. You are a gift to this world. Go and shine brightly! Best wishes to you!
In her deeply personal book, Beautiful Lady, Geri Maroney courageously shares her cancer journey, offering hope and resilience to women facing similar challenges. With raw honesty and gentle humor, she provides inspiring insights and emotional tools to help patients navigate their transformative experience. Order your copy today.
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