What Self-Love Really Is (and Why It’s Not What You Think) – Self-love is the buzzword of the century.
You’ve heard it everywhere—in books, podcasts, and all over your social media feed.
“Just love yourself,” they say. But let’s be real: if self-love were as simple as lighting a candle, reciting affirmations, and declaring yourself amazing in the mirror, we’d all have it figured out by now.
I didn’t know what self-love was for a long time. How it was talked about made it feel unattainable and awkward. I thought it meant becoming this confident, carefree, bubbly person who didn’t worry about anything. That just wasn’t me, and I struggled to find a way to like myself and enjoy the life I had.
Why Self-Love Felt Impossible
For most of my life, I was hard on myself. I called it being humble, driven, or disciplined. I thought pushing myself relentlessly was the way to success and fulfillment.
What I didn’t realize was that the thoughts running through my head, the constant inner criticism, weren’t helping me grow. They were tearing me down.
The truth is, self-love isn’t about forcing yourself into a version of yourself that doesn’t feel authentic.
It’s not about repeating phrases you don’t believe in the hope they’ll come true. That’s why, for so many women, self-love feels performative—like something you’re supposed to do rather than something that feels real.
The problem isn’t you, it’s the approach.
The Real Work of Self-Love: Rewriting the Narrative
The real work of self-love starts when you look inward.
It’s about asking hard questions and doing the inner work to uncover what’s holding you back. For me, it started with this question: What are the five most common thoughts you have about yourself?
Take a moment to think about it. Are those thoughts kind? Encouraging? Or are they critical, laced with old wounds and stories from your past?
This is one of the first questions I ask each client when they begin working with me on their self-esteem, life path direction, and improving their sense of fulfillment in life.
When my clients listen to the constant loop of self-judgment in their heads, they realize that those beliefs weren’t even mine.
They came from years of internalizing messages from my family, society, and past experiences. Somewhere along the way, I believed them. And those beliefs kept me from trusting myself, from honoring my own wisdom. “Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone to tell you who you are.” – Beyonce Knowles
The Transformative Power of Somatic Yoga and Meditation
True self-love happens when you reconnect with yourself—not just your thoughts, but your body and emotions, too.
That’s where somatic yoga and meditation come in. These practices go beyond surface-level affirmations to address the root of why self-love feels so difficult: the unresolved tension, unprocessed emotions, and old stories stored in your body and mind.
Somatic yoga is a gentle, body-focused practice that helps you tune in to what your body is holding. It’s not about perfecting poses or stretching further—it’s about noticing the subtle sensations in your body and learning to release the tension and trauma stored there. Over time, it creates a sense of calm and ease, helping you feel more present and connected to yourself.
Meditation, on the other hand, quiets the mental chatter and helps you access your inner compass. When you meditate, you begin to notice the patterns of your thoughts and recognize which beliefs are holding you back. With practice, you can replace self-criticism with self-compassion and trust.
Together, these practices allow you to reconnect with your inner wisdom—the part of you that already knows what you need to heal, grow, and thrive.
It’s not about ignoring your flaws or pretending everything is fine. It’s about listening to your inner voice and trusting the wisdom inside you.
“Keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again.” – Lalah Delia Real
Change Starts With One Step
If you’re ready to explore what self-love feels like, start with these tools. Even five minutes of somatic yoga or meditation can help you reconnect with yourself and begin to untangle the old stories keeping you stuck.
At my Trust Your Inner Compass Retreat happening this month, we’ll dive deep into these practices, helping you release old narratives, reconnect with your body’s wisdom, and cultivate true self-love. Learn more about this retreat and others here.
Real self-love isn’t about becoming someone else—it’s about finally embracing the person you already are. And that is where your transformation begins.
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