The Clarity in Chaos: How Hitting Rock Bottom Led Me to Myself – It’s been such a pleasure to spend the last two years sharing bits and pieces of my heart with you.
When I started writing for Best Holistic Life, I was flying high.
Living on a mountaintop and singing the tune of change, I wanted to see into the world.
And then something changed…
And isn’t change the point…
The business I had built turned into a beast that demanded to be fed around the clock…
Disconnecting led to panic attacks.
Time away was spent obsessively thinking about the business.
And the very thing that gave me so much joy started sucking the life out of me…
I tried to tuck those feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion away in a quiet and dark place in the back of my mind, as I had been taught to…
And another voice would step forward, chiming in with things like…
You should be thankful for the opportunities you have been given
What do you really have to complain about…
You are working from home, literally living the life you had dreamed about just a few short years prior…
I gaslit myself into submission, only amplifying the polarity that existed within me.
Well, I was living parts of the life I had dreamed of…
Working from home was about all I was doing consciously…
I was so tired by the end of my day that I floated through the remainder of my responsibilities and poured myself into bed, only to wake up and do it all over again the next day…
I was becoming a shell of a human.
If you don’t know how to set boundaries and create the life you want to live while building your business around it, this is what’s going to happen.
I had no idea.
I had never owned a business, so I just carried all of the behaviors that led to my success in other positions over…
What a disaster that turned out to be…
Then something happened… something BIG happened…
I can admit now that there were many stop signs I blew by and many red flags I had ignored… and life did what it always does.
She continued to turn the dial on her volume up little by little until she got my attention.
And I did what I have always done and pushed her to her limit…
Smooth jazz was NOT what was coming through my speakers… No, it was more like heavy metal.
In July of 2023, I experienced one of the most earth-shattering, life-changing interactions…
I experienced a re-traumatization at the hands of a person who had seen me in my most vulnerable state, knew the darkest nooks and crannies that existed in my person, and understood the betrayals and missteps of people who were supposed to love and protect me…
This resulted in people I loved choosing sides, speaking ugly words about me, and weaponizing my vulnerability and kindness.
- I couldn’t breathe
- I couldn’t think
- I couldn’t function
A visual my therapist routinely gave me in session was that we were placing tourniquets on bullet wounds to stop the bleeding.
And that no healing would come until we stopped the bleeding
After many months of tending to incredibly tender wounds, I started to walk my way out of what I can only describe as a deep fog…
I meet you on the other side of arguably one of the hardest chapters of my life just over a year later…
And, here’s the good news.
- I am clear on who I am.
- I am clear on what I am here to do.
- I am clear on how I am going to do it.
- I am clear on who’s coming along with me for the ride.
- I am clear on SO MANY aspects of my person and purpose…
And I am not so sure that I would be THIS clear without the LACK of clarity that existed just a short year ago.
So, I came to you on a personal high note, and I am going to leave you on one.
Same feel, totally different look.
As the saying goes, “If you’re going through hell, just keep moving.”
Big Love, T
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