The Gift Of Growing Wiser – I pulled the bathing suit strap over my shoulder and stood there staring at my reflection in the mirror….
“Things are changing,” I thought to myself…
I still catch myself looking for the 25, 27, 30, 32, 34-year-old version of me.
I refuse to plug into the narrative of aging… so, from this point forward, I will be talking about how I am growing wiser as opposed to older.
I’m noticing something stirring within me as I grow wiser.
The more comfortable I get in my skin the less at home I feel in my body…
I imagine this is a metaphor of sorts…
The more at home I feel in the authentic expression of who I am and what I am here to do the less I resonate with societal structures at large…
The ones that consume ALL of you leaving very little behind for you to enjoy..
Back to my reflection in the mirror and the bathing suit…
As I was studying my reflection I recognized a discomfort arising within me internally, the discomfort isn’t rooted in an “I can’t stand what I am seeing reflecting back at me” narrative…
It’s more of a, “Oh, this new chapter looks entirely different from the last; every time I see myself in the mirror, I recognize something new, even different about my appearance and everything that has worked to support this physical vessel of mine up to this point is going to need to change.”
For a moment my mind wanders and lands on the thought “more change”…”sigh” in heavy reflection before it pivots to a place of understanding..
“I’ve been through chapters like this before… pregnancy, postpartum, going from my 20s to my 30’s.”
And yet, there is something really profound about the shifts that have happened after the age of 35
These shifts don’t look like any I have encountered before.
- These shifts beckon all the hidden parts living inside of you forward
- These shifts demand light to be shed on the pieces of you that you’ve refused to look at
- These shifts aren’t going to waste time with dancing around getting their needs met; no, they go straight for the jugular in explicitly clear ways, asking for exactly what they need
And.. when they go unmet, the boundary put up and in place of an unmet need is fierce.
There is no mincing of words around the unmet need but a clear communication that next time, I will have the opportunity to do better and to take this as a lesson on how to do so.
Honestly, I admire my body, she’s showing up and teaching me all the ways I have wrecklessly abandoned myself in years past…
I’ve grown into understanding the importance of attuning to what she, my body, is actually trying to tell me.
Those “pesky” symptoms aren’t so pesky after all and they are her only way of communicating with me..
Message received. Loud and clear.
I’ve spent the last year walking through fire.
The fire consumed me, burning everything I thought I knew about myself, friendship, business, LIFE to the ground.
The fire left nothing, not a single salvageable piece of me.
And I am coming to realize, with GREAT gratitude, that life has ushered me into the chapter where I must move, create, work, and engage from a place of motivation led by the demands of my soul, not just those of society.
This chapter has been one of seeking answers from deep within instead of looking for approval from the outside.
It’s been a profound developmental stage in which unfinished business from the past has come up once again for resolution and healing so that I can free myself from the outmoded beliefs and behaviors of my past.
All the issues that weren’t resolved during puberty and early adulthood—such as body image, relationships, vocation, fear of aging, and self-esteem issues—now arise once more to be healed and completed.
Back to the bathing suit and reflection…
For a moment, I caught my thoughts moving into “I don’t like,” “I wish this looked different,” and “I need to do MORE.”
This is the one that snapped me back into the moment…
“MORE OF WHAT TAYLOR…!”
I’ve come to realize that the strongest story line I contend with, the story line that is going to kick and scream as I slowly, lovingly, and kindly move it into it’s place of dormancy is the one of I’m not good enough and need to do more in order to be worthy of love, support, recognition… as I stood there waiting for a response to the question “More of what” I was met with silence…
I really do believe that one of the biggest epidemics individuals deal with isn’t something that originates in the body but is expressed by it and is driven by the narrative of “more.”
- More work
- More movement
- More socializing
- More money
- More supplements
- More products
- More procedures
You get my point… I gave it another minute or two,… no response…
I met the silence by giving myself a sweet smile because the new orange bathing suit was beautiful in color and design and flattered many parts of my ever-changing form. I then threw my cover-up on and got on with my day… So, I must ask, do you have bathing suit moments?
What is the narrative that lives deep within you that you are working WITH to slowly, lovingly, and kindly put it in its place? When we move through moments like this, it can feel so lonely and as if we are failing ourselves…
That’s the trap.. don’t take the bait and fall in.
It is my hope that in sharing my tender behind-the-scenes moments and the reflections they provide, you too will feel and understand that what we are so often is an undesirable place to find ourselves in, the growing wiser process, is actually a gift and a privilege.
Big love, T
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