The Silent Architects: How Values Shape the Blueprint of a Meaningful Existence – In this article “The Silent Architects: How Values Shape the Blueprint of a Meaningful Existence” I describe the ever-evolving journey of self-discovery, identifying one’s values is definitely worth the time. Our values act just like a compass guiding us through the intricate maze of life. Knowing this, I would complete an assessment approximately every 4 yrs., appreciating the insightful revelations they provided. But it has been through my three decades of serving clients as a Licensed Mental Health therapist that I have realized their imminent importance. Values not just provide interesting personal markers but they are truly the unseen architects shaping the course of our lives and especially relationships.
Intimately Know Your Top Values
Our values, those subtle whispers guiding our choices and preferences, have an uncanny ability to steer us toward a certain path. They are the driving force behind our actions and decisions, making it imperative for us to not only acknowledge but to intimately know our top three values. Decade after decade, my work with clients showed me that this knowledge about ourselves is not just beneficial; it is, in fact, essential. In the realm of relationships, where emotions weave intricate tapestries of connection, the clash of values can be the silent storm waiting to unravel. Couples often come together under the enchanting spell of love, yet it is only a matter of time before the true nature of their values begins to reveal itself.
Differences in values per se are not problematic; rather, it is when these values stand in direct conflict that the equilibrium of a relationship is tested. The honeymoon period, marked by a surge of chemical attraction, eventually fades, and then the underlying values take center stage.
In my dual role as a therapist working with individuals and couples, I’ve witnessed the intricate dance of values unfold. In the initial stages of a romantic liaison often see partners bending and molding their actions to please one another. It is not until 6-15 months down the road that the authentic selves begin to surface, and with them, the potential for value clashes.
Divergent values can be a magnetic force, drawing individuals together with the allure of possessing what the other lacks. However, the true test lies in the nature of these values. For instance, a person valuing security may find themselves entwined with a partner who cherishes freedom. Initially intriguing, this dichotomy can morph into a source of tension over time. For both of them.
The security-focused individual, meticulous and deliberate in decision-making, may clash with the freedom-seeking partner, who thrives on spontaneity and embraces risk. It’s crucial to understand that values are not inherently right or wrong; they are merely different. Attempts to label one’s perspective as right and the partner’s as wrong often lead to heated arguments, leaving both parties feeling unheard and dismissed.
Recognize the Profound Impact of Values on Your Relationships
Recognizing the profound impact of values on our relationships is the first step toward fostering understanding and harmony. Rather than a battleground for asserting correctness, discussions around conflicting values should become an avenue for mutual respect and appreciation. Embracing the diversity of values can transform relationships into a collaborative journey, where each partner’s uniqueness enriches the shared tapestry of love. However, some couples with top values that directly and continuously clash, may find it an appropriate choice to respectfully end the relationship.
Knowing our top values is also critical in terms of understanding our life course; how and why we got to where we are currently in life, and how we can make more informed choices in the future to make sure we are staying aligned with our true nature. Awareness of our top values is also critical with regards to choosing the right vocation as otherwise it can be difficult to find happiness and fulfillment in our job.
So how do you find your top values? The first steps are easy.
- Go to Google and type in “lists of values.” Try picking three different sources. Print out the three sets of lists. You only want the actual names of the values listed. You don’t want a description of how to work with them because you will be following these directions.
- Set aside quiet and uninterrupted time. 30-60 minutes. TURN OFF your cell phone and put a “do not disturb” sign on your door.
- With each piece of paper that has the values listed, just read through the values, and as you see each word, circle the words that call out to you as being one of your important values. Don’t spend a lot of time thinking about this. This step should go Fairly quickly.
IMPORTANT note here: don’t pick a value that sounds nice or impressive or one you hope to have. Pick only the ones that are currently values of yours. In other words, if one were going to examine your current life over the past year or more, they would see evidence that that particular value is indeed something you demonstrate in your actions.
- 4. .Now, go back over the words you have circled and pick the ten most important. (Note: if you need to take a break here, that is ok) 5) Next, narrow it down to just
- 5. If you have a difficult time with this (and it is difficult to pick), take each word and compare it to the next word…asking yourself, if I was living in a world where there was only one of these values and not the other, which one would I choose?
- 6. Finally, pick your top 3 and number them in order of importance to you.
Have fun with this! Completing this exercise should be not only informative and insightful but also provide you with important information you can use continuously in your life.
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